Finding Happiness & Fulfilment
I was going to start this piece by describing 2020 in brief, and trying to express my perspective on all that has come with it, but I changed my mind. I’m a little exhausted with the whole “unprecedented” spiel.
Not that I can’t relate. I totally can, as most who are close to me can attest to, but I found that at some point, I was spending a lot of energy dwelling and ruminating on what an unprecedented year it has been, on all the changes and surprises. And while I’m a strong advocate of engaging with your reality and facing changes squarely, I’m also a doer. I almost have an internal alarm clock that goes “Okay that’s enough reflection. Now, let’s get to it!”
While my alarm clock battery seems to have died this year, I had to do some mechanical adjustment. So with my creaking joints and rusty wheels - left unused from engaging a bit too deeply with harsh realities, simply getting by with the barest of bones of daily routines or just “wallowing” in all the “would-have-beens” of 2020 - I decided to force action. Get going. Move my behind. Towards actual goals - big, small, meaningful or mundane.
I had to take time to dream big and narrow into details; to reflect on who I was and who I want to be; to determine what needed to stop, start or continue and how I was going to get to that utopia that had always been a faint, blurred image up in the clouds whenever I dared to look far ahead. I had as good an opportunity as perhaps I ever would, to use the time and pace to revisit those old journals, those old musings, those faint mumblings of “I wish… I think it would be nice if I….” and “If only I could….” from my years old ambitions and dreams. I remembered I used to have a creative side so I started the litmus test to see if she was just a phase from years gone by or if she ever had a pulse… if she still existed, maybe just napping, or forgotten in a comatose state, or did I imagine her all along because that was what everyone else was doing/ thinking at the time? I had to reconnect with that girl I used to be and see if there was any morsel of fire she could breathe back into my whole to fine-tune the course of the next few months/ years/ rest of my life. I dared to hope.
And somehow, creaking and whining, my joints painfully and uncomfortably moved. I discovered a few things. I had tried many many things before; and quickly dropped them like hot coal when I felt they weren’t going well. I had made assumptions about what I was good at and what I wasn’t. By whose standards, I tried to recall; and nothing sensible came to mind. So I reasoned that going forward, I had to be the one to determine what success looked like. Metrics that would serve to keep me on track regardless of whether other people were buying into it, or whether I felt I was “ as good” to that previously undefined acceptable degree. I had to just try things, not for the sake of doing them but as an experiment to help me determine what this long term measure of “success” really was to me.
So I tried. I experimented, sampled, studied, adjusted and tweaked. I was determined to have fun in the process of learning about myself. The only condition was that I was happy and fulfilled regardless of where I was on the process of this experiment. Then I discovered something. Everything was fun, everything was fulfilling, almost everything was exhausting but happiness-inducing. And apparently, by looking for what makes me tick, I was ticking. The main driver for fulfilment in my life is the little pockets of fulfilment I find everyday, the small joys and simple pleasures. That “mmmmmm” accompanied with an involuntary slow blink when someone takes the first bite of an offering from my kitchen. That long conversation that surprises both participants when all we wanted was to say hi.
That loud ticking of the clock alternating with the hum of my mixer in the silence of the early hours when I’m measuring and mixing and portioning because apparently, midnight baking is my therapy. That exhausted sigh when my boys doze off in the backseat at the end of a fun day out (impromptu or planned). That moment where we both look at each other after one of the kids casually utters something profound. That eureka moment when someone’s eyes light up because of something I’ve said which might have been obvious but they were too engrossed in their pain to see it. That paper with a random sketch or scribble from when I was trying to see if I still knew how to draw. That chaos when we have friends over, adults deliberating passionately at the dining table, kids playing and fighting at the backyard, some playing video games and cheering themselves on, others poking around in the kitchen wondering if I hid any secret stashes of dessert away in an undisclosed location (I typically do). That feeling of knowing that regardless of where I am today or the many hats I constantly juggle, I am doing my best and I’m not holding back any facet of who I am because of fear.
I realised that I was fulfilled. There’s no big fulfilment milestone that comes with a checkered flag and a horn announcing that you have arrived. Happiness and fulfilment are my major drivers, the daily and momentary targets against which I will always strive to measure myself. While they are affected by many external stimuli, I love the fact that I still have a huge chunk that is determined by me regardless of what’s happening around or to me.
So I’m not waiting for the right moment or the right set of circumstances or stars to align. I’m not waiting until I appear to be taken seriously. I’m not depending on how I fit into any predetermined mould with an anonymous authority called “they” wondering what this “they” fellow will say or think. Newsflash: for as far back as I remember, I’ve never fit in any of “their” boxes anyway (story for another day).
I am achieving happiness and fulfilment regardless of what is happening around me and I invite you to join me on this journey. My happiness might come in the form of a bowl of noodle soup or an inspiring poem or a beautiful dress or the laughter of my children. How can I decide in advance what happiness looks like and limit the opportunities to feel its power? Why can’t we just live to the fullest and know we’re getting all we can out of this one life we’ve been given? Seriously, what is there to lose? Think about it and let me know what happiness is to you. Let’s redefine what drives us and live everyday in constant ongoing awareness of the opportunities sitting right with us that we would otherwise miss out on by wrestling in pursuit of what “they” think. Let’s do this unprecedented thing!